you occupy the bench like toothache....

--
Earworms of the Week

> "The Man With the Golden Gun" - LuLu

Perhaps the best opening line of any song ever.

"He has a powerful weapon, he charges a million a shot."

The second line is pretty good too:

"An assassin, second to none, the man with the golden gun!"

I ask you, does it get any better than that, ladies and gentlemen?

> "Sweet Caroline" - Neil Diamond

Presented by Marcus Brigstocke on Argumental the other day as the reason why Michael Jackson could never be considered the undisputed king of pop.... Well, unfortunately timed topics on a light entertainment programme aside, there's not much you can do to defend yourself in the face of an earworm as potent as this one, is there? Surrender, would be my advice.

Phil Jupitus simply argued that Jackson couldn't be the King of Pop because pop was not, in fact, a monarchy. Perhaps a more compelling argument?

Who's touching who in this song again?

> "Love Me For a Reason" - The Osmonds

You might think this would have been planted in my head by recent coverage of Boyzone in the wake of the tragic death of Stephen Gateley. No. Sadly, I heard the original being played on hospital radio in the Queens Medical Centre as I waited for my appointment with the nurse on Thursday morning. It's no "Crazy Horses" for sure, but it's not a bad record, you have to concede.

> "Feel" - Robbie Williams

His comeback is already apparently being dubbed a failure on the basis of his appearance on X-Factor and the fact that his single, his fastest selling since "Rock DJ", has been beaten to number one by Alexandra Burke. Ridiculously unfair. As Jude Rogers says in the Guardian today, we should be saluting Williams for his defiant oddness and his resilience. Apparently his new album is sensationally good too. I won't be rushing out to buy it, but I can't help rooting for him. Better him than another Simon Cowell clone, anyway. Mind you, look what happened to Robbie. Perhaps an X-Factor clone will one day tread a similar path. Who knows? ...although if they do, I'm sure it will be without Cowell's support if they dare to tread off the mainsteam.

> "Fade Away & Radiate" - Blondie

I listened to "Parallel Lines" as I ate my breakfast the other day. It's a statement of the bleeding obvious, of course, but what an album that is. Surely better to eat my fruit & oat bagel with golden syrup and to drink my cup of tea listening to that than to put up with whatever Chris Moyles is ranting about, eh? An excellent way to start the day.

> "Wired for Sound" - Cliff Richard

I'm starting to think that this might just be the most persistent earworm of the year as I just can't seem to shake it. It's probably not in the least bit cool to say so, but actually I think this is a damn fine pop record. My mum likes Cliff, and so I used to have to listen to his music from this era in the car as we were driven to school. You know, "Devil Woman" and all that kind of stuff. Pretty good, actually. Having grown up there, I've even got something of a soft-spot for the video of Cliff wearing a walkman as he rollerskates in the Milton Keynes shopping centre just outside John Lewis. If you haven't read Bob Stanley's piece in the Guardian that attempts to put Cliff up where he belongs in the pantheon of British rock and roll pioneers, then you really should. It wasn't all "Millennium Prayer", you know.... and do watch this video: it's brilliant.

> "My Humps" - Black Eyed Peas
> "Milkshake" - Kelis

It's the little things that keep you entertained at work. I was in a meeting the other day; I was probably the senior stakeholder there, and I was being taken through a detailed requirements catalogue. When we came to a section about a piece of functionality called "my links", I couldn't help myself and blurted out:
"my lovely lady links".
Not everyone got it, but those who did looked at me in amazement.
Someone then confused the Black Eyed Peas with Kelis, and the second half of this earworm double-team was complete. For the record, I much prefer the Kelis record. The Black Eyed Peas? Nah... you can keep'em.

> "Kelly Watch the Stars" - Air

I fell asleep the other night listening to "Moon Safari". It's a good way to go, actually. You should try it.

> "Crying Lightning" - Arctic Monkeys

I was today presented with an unexpected opportunity to buy standing tickets for the Arctic Monkeys gig at the Nottingham Arena in November. It was predictably chaotic when the tickets first went on sale, so I didn't even bother... but now they're back on sale for some reason. I was tempted for a while, mostly because they were available, I think. Then I thought about it a bit more and decided that £30-odd for a ticket was quite steep both for a gig in an Arena (which I generally find unsatisfactory) and to see a band whose last album I didn't really enjoy all that much. I enjoyed watching them at Glastonbury a couple of years ago, and I may well go and see them again some time, but this time around I think I'm going to give them a miss. That said, I have been making a bit more of an effort with the album, and it has been growing on me. This song in particular has been working its way into my head. Alex Turner's way with a lyric is amply displayed in the way he works the pick n'mix metaphor through this song, throwing in a line about toothache for good measure. They're talented for sure, and they're a compelling live act.... just not compelling enough for me to risk an arena gig with a crowd I suspect will be filled with beer chuckers. Perhaps I'm now just too old and grumpy to put up with that....?

---

That's your lot. Have a good weekend, y'all and stay classy. I'll be mostly reading my book, drinking some Leffe Blonde and listening to Queens of the Stone Age. There are worse ways to pass the time, you know.